I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
