I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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