you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
