Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
A bitchslap is in order.
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