I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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