he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
