a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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