My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
