I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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