So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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