can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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