You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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