Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
