im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
