Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
