I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
