If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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