1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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