I wish my penis had an off switch
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
