Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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