Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
