can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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