i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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