Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
