life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
