whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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