when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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