call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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