right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize