Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
