Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
