I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
