ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
