ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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