she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
