I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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