This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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