So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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