Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
