I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
