that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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