I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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