I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You dont lie about slip and slides
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
