we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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