The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
