someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
