god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
