one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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