Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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