two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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