I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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