He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize