If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
