she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize