Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
